Hello! My name is Lily.

Let me share a little about myself, hoping you'll want to stay with me on this page.

I was born on a small island in the middle of the Gulf of Finland, back when it was still the USSR. At six, I began ballet. My childhood unfolded in Russia during the wild 1990s. Even Wikipedia knows how turbulent those years were. Violence was everywhere - at home, at school, by the ballet barre, among children. My body absorbed it all.
When I was 14, a rare brain disease left me paralyzed. I had to learn to walk again, and to hold a spoon. I made it through.
At 16, I was accepted into one of England's best ballet schools. I moved there alone, chasing my dream. I danced as a soloist in different countries around the world. But  I became pregnant, returned to Russia, gave birth to my daughter, and started my own dance company.
Three years ago, the war began. I refused to support it, or any violence. Because of this, I was forced to leave my country. Now I live beside the long-haired Loire river. I don't speak French yet. Life here is hard for me. I stopped dancing. I lost my trust in the dark, silent space of the theater. I thought my body would save me. But after giving birth to twins and without dance, my body changed.
War and childbirth happened at the same time. It overwhelmed me. My body began to frighten me - with its pain, with its mortality. I was diagnosed with somatized depression. My body hurts, not my soul. But for a dancer, the body is the soul.
I forgot who I was. I got lost in fear.
And so, out of fear, I write:
Hello. My name is Lily. I was born on a small island in the middle of the Gulf of Finland... I am very afraid. And I want to tell you why.