Sanchez245

This is valid feedback, I could've done a lot of more build up in terms of psychological horror of finding out it wasn't the real Kaya, but at the same time I wasn't really focused on the horror aspect, and more on the fucked up karma the original Kaya suffered through. As for Kaya, yeah I get your point, but at the same time I was thinking just a simple pure evil character is too boring or simple, so I tried inserting my own theory as for why she would ever keep Yosuke around and mold him into a submissive loser who sticks around her still even after everything she did. The explanation I thought of was that as mush as she looks down on him, she still wants to keep him in her life, so she can have her obedient childhood friend and first boyfriend (Yosuke), and have her pleasure with her bbc club lover. And it's not like I made her a better person, no that part of the story was basically her losing her watching as she lost her hold on her toy and angry that someone else stole it. She thought she could keep Yosuke forever, doing her bidding, and then she loses her body to the wish willow and has to suffer losing complete control as she watches someone else in her body steal him from her and even help him get mentally back up to the point he won't go back for the original Kaya anymore.

Good one shot you should do a full series like this. Now your writing style has improved and that’s good but the pacing was off but it’s on-shot so there’s not much you could have done. Now when your writing psychological story you need that built up to the twist but maybe you weren’t going for a horror tone, that’s fine but this had the potential for horror and physiological thriller. Instead of revealing Eddies body you should foreshadow what happened to him and use that as one of the twists when MC finds out what happened to him, another physiological way you could have done it, to mess with the readers if she done it or not (I’m referring to her killing Eddie) and also messing with Yosuke messed up psyche pushing him to the edge. Also let’s be honest when something is to good to be true there is always catch. And it will be really interesting seeing how Yosuke wish falls apart. And another thing you could have done to the original Kaya instead of making her into a simp you should have made her disgusted with Yosuke and have her hate him for ruining her life, she doesn’t love him she doesn’t yearn for him, she is still the same girl who NTR him, because people don’t change they get better that could mean less worst or just better but there true nature will never go away. And I get it this is a one shot and there’s so much you can put in over all not bad  I really like the psychologist scene it was really good a bit realistic there are people like that who can get over a broken heart, also good lemon scene for a first timer. Hope that you make a series incorporating some of the things I mentioned it could really elevate the reading experience.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/88614796 
            Since it's not allowed here, y'all can read it from this link, hopefully they don't screw me over for this, which I shouldn't be.

@Sanchez245 but what about a Mi-noo one tho?

@iwatami16 Sorry, but I don't think I'm ever going to do a knt story, feel like there's already so many fics of that to the point I was getting Hiroki fatigue. Like don't get me wrong I don't mind an anti-ntr fic about any ntr, especially if the fic gives the mc like Hiroki for example some sort of justice against those disgusting traitors and a creep like Bert, and Hiroki get's some happiness. But at the same time, just kind of tired of most anti-ntr writers spamming Hiroki everywhere for like years straight. Thanks for the suggestion though, but I'm gonna focus on my current story and then see from then if I want to do a fic about another ntr.