Sadie2771

I literally want slit my own throat and watch the bloood spill out after what I just went through the last couple of days.

I feel like I’m dying. No one here to save me from all the thoughts running wild in my head. 
          What if I never find anybody love? Or I finally get the chance and I fuck it all up? What if I get to heaven and it’s not even real? Or I die before it all you how I really feel? Cause it feels like hell and I just can’t help but think maybe lives not for me  
          I never deserved someone so genuine like him, so loving, so caring, so perfect in every way. TEN FUCKING YEARS AND I FUCKED IT ALL UP. 
          What if I get all the way there in December and he wants absolutely nothing to do with me? Then I’m stuck. I’d literally KMS for this man  
          I’m so in love with him it’s hurts  ik he be seeing all of my posts and messages and shit. If anyone wants to meet up in magna Utah on December 17th lmk cause I won’t have anyone there to show me around. No guys please only females who got chill vibes and wanna hangout. 

I hate for my children to see me break down like this. There so sweet about it though rubbing my back and making sure I’m okay. I’m not okay thought I’m a fucking huge wreck.  I haven’t stopped crying since yesterday afternoon and I relapsed last night. Please forgive me cause I can’t live this life without you. I’d rather sl*t my throat then live another day without you. 

I can’t stop crying my whole body is shaking and I feel like I can’t breathe.  I can’t handle this man this is all so fucking much.  please god let him see how genuine I am this time and tell him that I’m ready to be all his and his only. 

I feel like I’m drowning and want to just end my suffering. I lost the absolute love of my life and most likely will never get him back again. I also relapsed with my self harm last night for the first time in almost 10 fucking years so that cool. I just want things to be normal for me for once. I want him back. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll cancel everything and move in with him immediately if it meant I got to be with him for the rest of my life. I haven’t stopped crying since yesterday afternoon. I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I can got on living without him. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. But nothing is worth doing without him. He means the absolute world to me. For the last five years I have been abused, physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s not hard to leave an abuser when you’re deathly afraid of that person.  But I finally got the courage to leave and the help I needed to leave. I’m filing for divorce and moving on with my life. I thought I would be moving on with my life with the love of my life but I guess not so I guess I’ll just drown slowly until there’s nothing left of me. When I’m gone someone take of my girls. You know you are and I love you so much. Like I’ve said there’s no life worth living without you in it. Goodbye 

I can’t believe I said yes! I’m literally the happiest I have ever been in my life. April can’t some fast enough!!

I really really really love this man ❤️ he really is my everything. When you have known someone for +10 years like we have there is and undeniable amount of love. I can’t wait for around time when I finally get to him in person for the first time in 10 years and my kids will be able to meet him too! I just hope he still feels the same about me when he meets me irl!! I’m so excited I can’t contain it. I can’t freaking wait!!

He really does make everything better!!! My heart just feels so light and so happy man!! I couldn’t ask for anything better!

I’m in love with the most amazing person ever!! 

Part two is up now!! Gonna post a few more parts of my story tomorrow. Finally got my kids to bed so I’m gonna go take a nice warm shower and get ready for bed. Taking me three girls trick or treating tomorrow!! Have a happy hallows eve everyone!