Ray

Please come back, your books are really good!

It was easier for me to write fanfics during quarantine, but once I was back in school and the workload got heavier, especially during my junior year, I felt pretty stressed. It was also during that year that my mental health was the worst It's ever been. If you see my previous posts, you will get a more detailed explanation, but tldr I suffer from depression, anxiety, and a really bad ED. I have been clean of SH for about 5 months, and my mental health has gotten a bit better, which is why I am writing this.
          
          I deeply apologize for letting you down and leaving you all waiting for more chapters. Words aren't enough to express the guilt I feel, but I hope if you forgive me, you'd still be happy to see me continue to publish. I may not be as quick as I used to be back then since I'm in college now, but I feel like I have the creativity and motivation to continue writing at my own pace. That is all I have to say. I love you all. You've been with me despite everything, and I hope you forgive my absence and welcome me back to continue with my fanfics. This is Ray signing out!
          
          (2/2)

I have no idea how to start this, but hi! It's been a while. I doubt many will see this, but regardless if you do, I would like to sincerely apologize for my long absence.
          
          I know a lot of people adore my fanfics, which I honestly never even expected to get a single read because my writing is so bad. I wrote these fanfics as a way to escape reality and have fun with my creativity. When I saw that my fics were getting viewers and comments, I was elated and surprised to see people genuinely enjoy my writing.
          
          However, I don't think I was at all prepared with how much pressure that put on me without me realizing it. Even though it was never demanded from my wonderful readers, I felt like I had a responsibility to continue writing more chapters. I didn't want to let any of my readers down by not posting chapters. I bit off more than I can chew. When I would end up on a stump with my creativity  while writing one fic, I immediately got ideas to write a completely new fanfic, which I foolishly did, which meant double the work.
          
          (1/2)

Okay so, back for a small update. Um as you know I'm taking a pretty long nreak as my mental and physical health is pretty bad rn. I'm still attempting to write the different chapters for my different fanfics in this break, but I'm going at my own pace.
          
          But um, in case you didn't read my last posts, um I had said that I had been clean since about January. Yeah well... I did it again. I fucking hate myself for it, so so much. I just- I couldn't resist it anymore, I just got the urge to do that after a pretty bad argument with my sister. Before I knew it, I went to the bathroom, locked myself inside and I just did it... By the time I realized what I did, I felt so guilty and I just cried. The stress of a lot of things in my life had finally gotten to me and this argument just was the final nail in the coffin.
          
          Anyways, I'm sorry this is pretty much a vent, I just.. need to let out what I'm feeling because I have no one to talk to or anywhere to write my feelings really since my mom would just snoop through my journal if I had one. I know no one will likely read these updates of mine, but I just had to let people know how I am anyway and just let out these emotions.
          
          Changing subjects, I am trying to come up with an update schedule for all my fanfics since I am writing 4 at the same time and it is pretty stressful and tiring to update 4 fics at the same time while having school, homework, chores,, etc. etc. If any of you have any schedule update ideas, please let me know! I would love to hear from you! Anyways, this is Ray signing off. Thank you for the support and patience. ❤

After that talk with my mom, she booked an appropriate to go see a psychologist. I think it's more like therapy idk. I went there March 23 and I was SO nervous. The guy was nice and funny, he made me feel a tiny bit at ease. We talked, trying to get to know me a bit and some of my problems. He also talked to my mom. Then he talked to both of us.
          
          I will have more appointments with him, but he did tell my mom that it would be best if I went to a mental hospital to assess my problems. I will have that in a couple days from now and I am really really scared. I don't know if the doctors would believe I even have a ED (I think I might have one) because I am of normal weight despite having various symptoms that point to that. I also am scared that they would likely see my SH scars and tell my mom. I dread that A LOT.
          
          Anyways, I'm sorry this seems like a vent, but I just wanted to let everyone know how I am doing and what has been going on in my life which has affected me on my personal life and online such as not updating stories. I didn't say everything for personal privacy, but I just wanted to let you all know the gravity of my mental and physical state as of now. I want to sincerely apologize for this awful long period of time without updates, I'll try to update, but my motivation has been really digging the dirt lately and I just have a lot of things on my mind. It's stressful. Anyways, I hope you all take care of yourselves, I'll try to come back as quickly as possible with updates, but for now, it's a hiatus until further notice. Take care of yourselves and have a lovely day my wonderful readers. This is Ray, signing off.
          
          --- RayPromsie
          04.01.23  /  5:27 am
          
          3/3

Another reason I lied is because one of the things that I've also been doing (or was) is SH. I've been clean since January, but the urges just keep getting stronger. I feel like I'll do it again soon. It's terrifying. Especially knowing that people will likely find out one day just like my sister did when she saw the wounds on my arms at school when my sleeves accidentally rolled down. Luckily, she has kept it secret from my mom and actually handled it in a non-confronting way. All she did was not tell me immediately when she saw it and instead during the end of lunch she hugged me and said "please don't do it again". When she told me that, that was when I have since stopped SH and have stayed clean thus far. But like I said before, I don't think I will last longer and I feel like such a fucking failure.
          
          I feel like I disappoint everyone around me. My family, my friends, my readers, my teachers, everyone. I don't like myself. I hate myself, so much. I blame myself and only myself for all the bad things that has happened to myself and the people around me. I feel like shit. I know I am very messed up mentally, but I refuse to believe it. I know I need help, but at the same time, do I want that help? I mean, obviously I need it, but do I want to get better? A part of me doesn't want to get better. It scares me.
          
          2/?

HIATUS UPDATE
          
          So here's an update as to how I am. Um so, I know I haven't updated any of my stories in months. I have tried to continued writing, but everytime, my motion just drops. I feel more burnt out as time goes on because of a lot of things. School. Life. Myself. Speaking more about myself, I.. I would like to say I'm fine, but truth is, I'm not. 
          
          On February 28, I was confronted by mom. She confronted me about my eating habits. She has noticed that I have thrown up the food I eat (I used to throw it up intentionally, but now I don't) and that I don't eat a lot (this has grown really, REALLY bad). I haven't been diagnosed yet, but it is possible I have bulimia or anorexia. It was a scary chat, especially because my mom put me into a position where I was forced to tell her. I managed to keep some stuff secret, we- well more like she asked me a lot about the eating thing.
          
          She asked if I had anything else to tell her, but I said no. I lied. I lied because she had already put me into a very uncomfortable and forceful situation where I HAD TO tell her about these issues, there was no way out, LITERALLY because she tricked me into going into her car,, making me believe we were going to the store,, but nope,, instead she made me tell her about it when I wasn't ready. It really fucked me up. I know I would have to have this conversation one way or another, but I would have rathered if she let me tell her when I was comfortable telling her inside of making me tell her. 
          
          
          1/?

Okay, so hi. I'm back after my long hiatus. I want to explain myself as to why I haven't been updating any of my fanfics in months. As you know, on the various times I go on a hiatus, I say that school work and lack of inspiration are what usually drags me down, which isn't a lie. 
          
          However, this hiatus is different. Yes it includes both elements, but I've also been dealing with a lot of mental issues and personal life issues. To paint a clearer picture as to where my mental state is at, its gotten to the point where I have begun SH and starving myself. I haven't told anyone, this is the first time I'm saying this which makes me nervous. I won't delve in deeper into the details as I am not comfortable in sharing more, but all I can say is it's.. it's really bad.
          
          I feel like using my mental health is like an excuse, I feel horrible. But at the same time, I feel like I have to explain myself as for the lack of updates. I know many of you want more updates, and I don't plan on discontinuing ANY of my fanfics at this moment. However, know that I will try to update, although I can't guarantee how long it will take to write, the quality of it, or the length of it either. Anyways, this is an update on me personally and I hope you understand and continue to wait as I attempt to get back on track. Thank you for sticking by me with your support, I love you all, take care. ❤

u are like the best person ever i literally love u ,,and ur stories are so gooooooooddd

yo, your books are bomb af.