Lynn Canigula

Isn't it kind of messed up that I have to take time to emotionally recover from a good portion of conversations with my mother?
          Just a normal conversation, but I somehow feel belittled and trapped and useless.

Tw: Vent.
          
          It's been such a long week. It had been a long week Monday afternoon. It's just too much. I don't want to be in Spanish. I want to be here in the bathroom crying. I want to be performing on the stage. I want to be hugging my best friends and telling him what's wrong. I want to be at home watching cartoons. I want to be away from the crowds but not alone. Never alone.

TW: Vent, friendships. 
          
          I have trust issues. By that I mean I can't trust myself. I've had two friends abandon me without warning and I know it was the right thing. Not to be texted late at night and just be ignored after that. No. But my friends deserved to cut me out. She never came back. He talked to me and we apologized. He and I are close friends again. That time it ended well.
          I have a new best friend who I've only known for like a year. I trust him more than anyone and tell him everything. I found out from a mutual friend of ours that he kept something from me.
          He and said friend are going on a date. To my workplace. My best friend didn't tell me. Our friend was very surprised he hadn't. When I brought it up, he said he didn't tell me because I can't keep a secret. Later, I found out he told another friend. Half-jokingly, I go, "You told her before me?"
          He goes, "She's the first one I told. She's a lot more trustworthy than you."
          It really stung. But that's fine. You know what hurt more? Knowing he was right. I knew that he had no reason to trust me. I can't hold a secret. At least not that he knows of. If he'd told me specifically that I shouldn't tell anyone, I would have. But he knows he can't trust me. And even though I know he's right, even though it's okay for him to feel that way, even though I'm happy he got asked out, it hurts. It hurts so much to know my best friend doesn't trust me. It hurts to know that he's right not to. It just hurts. Now I'm scared of talking to others because I just spill things as they come to mind. I don't want to fight. But he doesn't know I can't fully trust him. He told me a joke recently that was very concerning. I spent a week terrified for his safety only to find out it was a joke. I was so mad. Even now I don't know what he says is a joke. I can't trust what he says. He can't trust what I won't say.

Oops. I fell in love.

That moment when you have to have a very bittersweet conversation and have no clue how to handle it. So you look to what a good-hearted character would do.
          
          So now you're looking for advice from a fictional nine-year-old with a shitload of trauma.

I need to vent and this is the one place my best friend and find it.
          
          
          I'm on the verge of a Menty B.
          Cuz I'm fed up with this family.
          Times that go well must come to an end.
          For every gain in life I lose a friend.
          At least I can rely on the yams.
          To escape the big mess that I am.
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          Please help my life is a taco.
          A) It's falling apart as we speak.
          B) I'm still fucking fabulous.
          C) Sometimes it gets spicy.
          D) Sometimes you get a mouthful of your favorite ingredient. (Guacamole)
          E) Sometimes you get a mouthful of your least favorite ingredient. (Cold cheese/the actual beef)
          F) But you roll with it anyways.

Isn't it possible to be independent, not /need/ your partner but love them, and be capable as your own person-
          But also get a little jealous and have separation anxiety? Maybe abandonment issues.

I hate when I'm scrolling through fanart and then I get something totally NSFW. But it's like a specific reference to the show or something- So I can clearly see the sexual intent behind it, but the algorithm doesn't get it.
          
          Google: This flower? This water hose? Totally fine!
          Me: The artist intended it to be d!ck like why is this on my page-

This shouldn't be new news to anybody but-
          My brain seems determined to find a waybto write mpreg into literally ANY fandom I come across or join.
          How did I realize this?
          The Allspark.
          And if you don't get it- Good.

Pretty sure the exhilaration of going on a bike ride and surviving an epic Wipeout is far better than post-orgasmic clarity and I could go my whole life without getting laid as long as I can ride my bike.