Kettle_Corn94

I just got finished reading 'The Watchers Downfall' which is an amazing angst book. I started balling my eyes out at the end of it and then I already had sad music playing so I just started to get lost in thought. I went to one of my best friend's grad party and it just hit me, I'm barely gonna see her anymore and that really fucks me up. I didn't give her a hug before I left cause everyone was waiting on my mom to get there to leave and I also didn't want to keep my mom waiting. I fucking hate that though. I just want to hug her now. I hate this lol. Worst part of marching band :(

I wanna stab someone-

I hate having a crush on a guy that I don't want to when I'm touch starved and make up those little scenes in my head. Like I'll be thinking of one thing and then my brain is like but what if someone was laying with you and then it's like what if it was *him.* And I'm just like- no- Like it sucks cause I don't want to like this guy as he's like a great friend and I want it to stay that way. Besides, he wouldn't ever like me anyway. And if for whatever reason he somehow did, he wouldn't date me cause I'm too gay for him lol. He ain't homophobic, not to my knowledge, I just don't think he'd date a person who's gender fluid considering how straight he is lol. Tho, I don't think I would date him even if I had the chance tbh. So many people have like told me don't date him and I trust those friends, cause they actually know him lol. I hate liking people broooo

Broooo
          
          I feel like I'm getting semi annoying to my band friends cause like I'm just getting more touch starved than usual so I'm just randomly hugging them, fake bullying them, or like resting my head on their shoulders. Like- I just need a lover irl who can like just wrap their arms around my waist and lay with me as I sleep. I mean, I know I have at least one option but I feel like if we dated it could ruin our friendship when we eventually break up cause I've never been able to hold a crush for a long time without gaslighting myself or just not talking to them for a hot minute. Ughhhh. It sucks being this mentally fucked and unattractive lol

So marching season is starting again and my band director wanted to try something new for our warm ups that other successful bands do. Umm.. Today is our first day doing it and we have to kneel as part of the move.. on asphalt.. I thought it'd be fine and my knees were just a little red like everyone else's. No, my knees are like kinda fucked up from kneeling on the asphalt. My cymbals also need adjusted cause someone else used them for indoor season and they are tight enough that I can get my hands in but now I have red marks on my hands from them. First big practice and shit is going swimmingly lol

So I've recently noticed how much I sorta pay attention to the guys in my band group, and I'm pretty confident that it's not because I like them. Well, A is semi the exception there. But anyway, I'm pretty sure it's cause I don't have like a stable male figure in my life so I look for that attention with my guy friends. I hate it at times cause it just feels awkward to me sometimes, plus I feel even more like an attention seeker than usual. Like I'm pretty confident I only like A and not any of my other guys friends, but for whatever reason my guy friends have a special place in my heart. That wording is weird but I don't really care enough to try to find a better way to word it lol. Anywayss, just wanted to rant this somewhere away from my irl friends. It's late and I'm losin it. But byeeee

Omg I just realized I forgot to update this! I'm officially a year clean of sh as of May 16th!! I'm so fucking proud of myself and I can't believe I mad it. This is fucking amazing

VENT!!
          
          I feel like fucking shit. I need an outlet but I just don't have a good, trust worthy one. I love my closest friend in my grade but I just feel like she doesn't understand me in the way I need her to and no one ever reads these things. I have a band friend that I would love to spill fucking everything to, but she can't dealing people venting so I'm just bottling everything up. I've been out of therapy for almost 8 months now and my mum won't sign the papers for me to go to the school therapist. I don't trust the counselor either, she don't know how to keep her mouth shut. 
          
          So much has fucking happen this month. Plus one of my closest friends are fucking graduating next year. Some real fucked shit has happened, and I'm just not in the right mind set for change that I *have* to be in. I just hate this all. Why can't shit just stay alright? Why does shit have to do this. I fucking hate this. I hate it so much.
          
          To make shit worse, I feel like a fucking outcast in every group I'm in. In my band group, everyone has know each other longer than I have so they talk more. In my grade friends, I've gotten so distanced from them cause of band and having to recharge that now they're all closer and I just feel like a burden to them now. I feel like I have no one and it sucks. But I've always had no one so I don't fucking understand why it's becoming an issue now. It's been bottled up for so long why can't it just fucking stay.
          
          Everything fucking hurts mentally. I just want someone I can pull into a tight hug and cry all my worries away. I know I won't get that though. I'm too much of a bitch to get close enough to anyone for allow me to do that. I fucking hate this. All can think is why why why why why. I want so badly to just fucking smash my head into a wall until my pain goes away.

I feel so fucking bad bro. One of my friends msged me and asked for answers for an assignment I don't remember because they needed it done to go on our field trip. I genuinely don't remember it so I had them ask another friend but I feel like an ass. Today has not gone well :/

Y'know, sometimes I forget about the shit that I write until I'm trying to swipe out of my apps and I see a glimpse of the last thing I wrote. I immediately swipe it away cause it's like holy shit sometimes lol