I am so damn sorry that I haven't checked your profile in a while and was really shocked to read your last messages!
They broke my heart and I hope so so much for you to get well, to be able to live a decent, normal and long life in your future.
Please always remember: life is a rollercoaster and once it goes down low, at some point there's no going lower and the only way will be back up again. You will reach that point, I am sure because I know that you are strong! At the end of each tunnel you find light again.
All the best wishes out to you for the year coming!