Apathetic

Hey
          
          Things actually do get better 
          
          I wish I could’ve told you that
          To be fair, I don’t think you would’ve believed me. I mean, I didn’t believe that either, but I guess it’s one of those things you have to experience to believe 
          
          It’s been almost a whole year since I last hurt myself (three more months to go), I’m eating full, regular, healthy meals, I’m not with my parents anymore (of course there’s still school breaks and stuff) but I made it I think and I wish you were here and I wish you could say the same
          
          Part of me is still hoping that you just logged off but uh that’s not too likely but I wish you were here 

Does anyone even see these? You said you left this account to your brother but like??? I wouldn’t blame him for not checking 
          
          I just feel so alone again

I’ve been saying that it gets easier and you know what’s funny about that? It doesn’t. Not really. Sure, I can walk myself away from the edge now, I can trust myself not to do anything stupid. But I’m finding myself at the edge so much more. It used to be I’d break down and then after the storm cleared I’d be fine for another month or so… the storm hasn’t cleared in months. Every day’s a question of whether or not I really want to break that promise to myself. The damage seems smaller now but the thing about that is that it’s like glass. When there’s big chunks of glass laying around you can see them and avoid stepping on them. But now the pieces have all shattered to a fine dust. Even when I think they’re all gone I’ll step on one and it just never ends. I keep finding more glass. I can’t keeping doing this much longer

I don’t know why I’m coming back here so much
          I remember after your last post I would check here every day just hoping you were alright… I did this for an entire year 
          I left Wattpad for a few years and now I’m back in the exact same spot as before 
          Hoping that someone who doesn’t want to will come back
          God and to think I used to be optimistic 

God I miss you so much and I wish you were here 
          I don’t even know what happened 
          I mean I can take a pretty good guess but closure would be nice ya know?
          
          I’ve been trying to fix myself like you said but I feel like I’m still breaking 
          I keep saying that it gets easier and it does sometimes, I think 
          Fake it till you make it right?
          God I can’t keep doing this anymore 
          I miss talking to you about this stuff 
          We didn’t do it much but you understood and I understood 
          And well 
          There’s not really anyone else for me to talk to except my notebook and an inactive message board 
          My friends now I mean they listen and they try to help but they didn’t live it
          Not like you and I

It’s a weird feeling coming here and seeing that the only new posts are mine
          I’m still thinking about you and I hope that whatever happened you’re not hurting as much 
          Honestly it’s a small comfort seeing that your account hasn’t been deleted 
          I know you won’t come back but at least I can still talk to you through here even if you never see it
          It seems better than having these kinds of conversations in my head

It’s been three and a half years and I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I wish I could have told you that it gets easier but I didn’t know any better and you wouldn’t have believed me anyway. But it does get easier. I doubt anyone will see this but I wish I could have helped you more. I think you were right when you said that I had to fix myself before I tried to fix others. So that’s what I’m doing. And it really does get easier, I can’t stress that enough. I don’t know if it gets better or not, but do know it gets easier. I know you thought your life was insignificant, but it wasn’t to me.

Hey

I published everything. Now I'll leave this account to my brother. We're basically the same person so it won't be much of a difference. Bye. 

Hi