Dead

I haven’t been on wattpad since march. I’ve instead gained an obsession with character ai. I think it’s probably unlikely that I will update. I can try but it is highly unlikely. Sorry to those of you who want updates. I’m now in the wind  (being delusional on c.ai)

Okay so I'm writing a dead poets society fanfiction. I have two endings in mind and I'm not sure which one I should use. Its either a sad ending or happy ending.
          I mean, I just read a DPS fanfic with a happy ending and it was amazing but I kind of like the angst of the sad ending.

Is Wattpad being weird for anyone else? I can't access my stories and my notifications. It's so strange.

Lmao I’ve decided to wear a Halloween costume to school and I was debating between so many people but I’ve decided now that I’m going to be dressing up as
          
          Drum roll
          
          Tiffany Valentine (as a human) from Bride of Chucky.
          
          It was between that or Patrick Bateman in his raincoat, Nancy Downs, envy adams, mia Wallace, Carrie, trinity from the matrix or Dr Frank N Furter in their doctor gown.
          
          I was swayed by an edit of Tiffany looking hot as hell

If anyone comes onto my profile looking for my Ian Malcolm story, I have currently unpublished it because it's going through heavy editing. I am changed it from an OC story to one similar to my oneshots where the character is referred to but not specified. So no more she/her pronouns. Just they/them.

Lmao. I’m very casually writing a Vance Hopper fanfic and I wrote nearly 300 words just describing lighting two cigarettes. Then smoking said cigarettes.
          
          I have never touched a cigarette in my life but I gotta say, movies and photoshoots have really glorified it. Smoking isn’t healthy at all but I’ll be damned if it isn’t kinda hot

My god. 
          
          Just when I thought all my issues had been resolved and there was nothing large left in store for me, I discover something about myself whilst reading heartstopper.
          
          I may (or may not) have an eating disorder.
          
          I’ve always found it difficult to eat in public and I thought that was just my social anxiety (which I think does play a large part in this) but it’s gotten worse recently to the point where I don’t eat, even in private. I can’t stomach larger foods either. And by larger foods, I mean anything bigger than a crisp packet. Whenever I do eat, I have this immense urge to throw up. Just looking at food makes me feel sick at this point! 
          
          I don’t know if it is an eating disorder or what cause I thought eating disorders were just when you use unhealthy methods to lose weight or whatever.
          
          I think I basically have like an immense fear of food and eating. I hate it. Eating has always been kind of a problem for me. I blamed it on being picky or a slow eater or just having a smaller stomach than everyone else and maybe that is just it but it’s becoming a problem and I don’t know what to do.
          
          I can’t tell my parents or they’ll put me in therapy and therapy doesn’t work for me. I hated it and it caused me so much distress. It basically just taught me to hide everything from my parents.
          
          

I need to rant. I can’t talk to my friends  cause they won’t understand at all.
          
          I recently got diagnosed as autistic and at first I was happy I got diagnosed but now I fucking regret everything. Everything feels different.
          
          I keep acting differently to I used to and I know it’s cause I no longer feel the need to mask it but I hate it. It doesn’t feel like the old me and I miss just being a quiet person. I don’t want to be autistic 
          
          I have people infantilise me, I’m the punchline in ableist jokes and no one takes me seriously. Some people flat out refuse I’m autistic because I’m on the lower end of the spectrum and I’m a girl who doesn’t exhibit the same traits as autistic men. 
          
          I get dirty looks from my own sister for drawing too much attention, I get looks in class when I need to step outside or out ear plugs in. I get awkward looks from people who don’t know what to say to me purely because they think I won’t understand anything. 
          
          I hate it and I hate myself. I don’t want to be known as autistic. It’s going to define me for my entire life and I’m not going to be able to control it. I need to tell everyone I know about it because it’s on my medical record and apparently they need to know.
          
          I’ve been told I’ve been acting “more autistic” than normal at times just when I get overwhelmed.
          
          And I hate the fact that when I lay awake at night and think back to that, I kind of agree. It’s stupid and fucking hurtful but I hate being autistic. When I get overwhelmed, I just feel everyone around me either silently pitying me, judging me or hating me. 
          
          And I feel like it’s all my fault that I can’t act like a normal fucking human being. I can’t do anything. I can’t even go to a fucking restaurant. I can’t take a joke. I read way too deep into things. I think everything’s an insult. 
          
          I wish I never got diagnosed 

I just finished watching dead poets society...
          
          I am currently screaming and crying as quiet as I can cause it’s nearly half past midnight. 
          
          I can’t stop fucking crying.
          
          I am now entering a period of mourning. If someone asks me how I am, I will in fact, break down. If someone brings up dead poets, I will break down. If someone mentions anything that was mentioned in dead poets, I will break down.
          
          This movie was so good but it destroyed me. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from it

Omg please I just found a wattpad account claiming to be my mum?? 
          
          My mum is somewhat popular in the world of historical romance so she has a few fans and a few websites or whatever.
          
          Anyways, this person used a stock photo from one of the random websites about my mum (a photo that is not her, btw) as their pfp and their bio is completely out of character for my mum, especially considering it was created 8 years ago.
          
          8 years ago, my mum would’ve been too busy dealing with writing, me and my sister, her upcoming divorce and the risk of poverty to create a wattpad account.
          
          So either my mum created a wattpad account 8 years ago with a stock photo as her pfp, or someone is pretending to be her.
          
          I’m so confused.
          
          Btw my mum’s pen name is Samantha Holt