life~is~too~short

yo connie are you okay?

:0

you know, this exact day, 2 days before my stepfathers birthday, 3 years ago. 5/2/2022 this was the day i planned to die. i had it all set up and was ready to do it. nothing could stop me.   and then my sister walked in and nearly saw me. she was crying and needed me. that day i promised myself once everyone stopped needing me, i would end it and finally be at peace. i've fantasized about that day many times. i've nearly broken that promise many times. i've begged myself to break that promise many times. thought about just doing it sooner so many times.   but every once in a while i think that i might not ever do it. every once in a while i feel like living might actually be nice. though those moments only ever last for a second or two, they are the most precious moments in my life. even though, just like every other memory i have, i barely remember those moments at all.

running and hiding
          feeling the thoughts driving me
          dancing with the demons that silence me
          breathing comes so hard to me
          pulling at my hair and scratching at my face
          cutting open my skin and trying to erase
          erase the part of me that's wrong
          erase the parts that were built wrong
          erase the uneasy
          the scared
          the different
          erase the me from me
          screaming and crying has never done anything
          talking has never done anything
          lying has never done anything
          it only gets worse
          so so much worse
          with every breath i take i feel lungs fill that shouldn't exist
          with every smile i make i feel emotions show that shouldn't exist
          with every injury i feel a satisfaction that shouldn't exist
          with every near death experience i feel a worry for my life that shouldn't exist 
          running and hiding has done nothing for me
          the thoughts driving me crazy are all i can see
          the images of deaths i could have are all i can hear
          the feelings of inadequacy and idiocy are all i can smell
          the stench of impossibilities is all i can feel
          
          and yet all this pain is impossible to prove to you because i have no proof. there is none. i have no reason to feel this way. i don't even remember the when's this started at or why's. i don't even remember my name sometimes. 
          
          maybe that is why our soul cries. 
                                                                                                       ~your suicidal artist

finished talking to them.   that was probably the best experience i've had on the helpline chat. 
          helped me a lot.  hopefully it lasts a while.

we're talk'n to the suicide lifeline whoo hooo
          ....life is going great

guess, guess, guess, and guess again, 
          you're wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong again, 
          just throw the towel in, you're never gonna win, 
          the game is rigged, you never had the chance to win, 
          play the game, play it again, learn from your mistakes, 
          keep on going, going, going, and failing again, but never stomp on the brakes, 
          your chance to win is rigged, you shouldn't of played, not again, never again, 
          you failed you failed and they won't let to hear the end of it, they think you're stupid again, 
          play the game, play it now, play the game and guess on what, why, or how, 
          its rigged, its rigged, and you know you're in for a losing streak now.

*me doing goku screaming trying to ascend to Super Saiyan* 

updated my background pic and pfp
          for some odd reason my discord pfp wont let me change it though. 
          
          i hope you're all having a wonderful day.

Thanks for following Con!!!