Hey, ladies. I’d like to apologize for not being able to upload a new chapter of Forever Always Blue this week. I’m not sure if there’s going to be a new chapter this coming week either. It’s been a week since I lost one of my cats. After all that’s happened, this past week has been rough. I wasn’t able to work either. I’m just going through a tough time. It’s just too much. I keep on spiraling. Honestly, I’m in a dark place right now. I’m well aware of that and I’m trying to move past it. I try but I feel like I’m failing royally all the time. My chest hurts. I take pain killers. I’m not getting much sleep. My mind is foggy. I stopped writing on my journal because if I did it will make it real. Despite that, at least I was able to work on Friday for a quarter of the day. At least I’m finally eating again so my parents will stop worrying about me now.
I have one cat left and every time I cry, he would meow at me, head bunt me, plop in front of me, and then offer me his belly. He would give me soft little bites when I’m sobbing loudly and meows almost like he’s in distress. I feel bad so I try to calm myself down.
I just want everything to be okay. There are brief moments where I do feel okay and normal, but there’s always this ache and restlessness in my heart. I’ve been bitter and angry. I’ve blamed my sister’s boyfriend. Maybe I still do. He already said he was sorry, but I still hate him. I hate him and I feel bad about it. I’ve been bitter and then angry again, especially when I hear him snoring and sleeping soundly at night while I couldn’t even sleep a wink. I know these are negative feelings and I shouldn’t allow them to drown me in but I guess I’m the worse human there is because I can’t. These past few days, I’ve seen the ugly sides of myself I had no idea I had in me. Sometimes, I convince myself it’s just grief. Sometimes, I think it’s just because I’m just a terrible human being. I hate this. I just want to feel okay.
