Gravity

I'm getting too stressed about something as simple as getting a job. A JOB. I cried until I said no because I felt like if I said yes, I was much more of a burden than a saving grace.

Fuck life and everything wrong with it

I need fucking help and I can't get it. I'm constantly overwhelmed and contemplating suicide, I can't sleep, I force myself to eat, and the fr only thing keeping me here is the fear of leaving Everest with my parents. But hey, at least I haven't relapsed yet B)

It's getting hard to eat. I force myself to, but I am just end up sick. I almost relapsed today, but I didn't.

Twelve days, it took twelve days for it to feel like everything's breaking again, or I just posted here out of spite and everything was already broken. I feel like the outcast in the community, someone who's reaching so far but getting nowhere. I consistently think about death, but I know that won't get me anywhere. I'm too scared to talk to people, I've become a shut-in, and I've started having attacks on my worst days. I don't know if they're anxiety or panic or just plain my head destroying itself, but it hurts. I shouldn't miss you because I can't rant to you, but I do. I miss those repetitive "just breathe" messages that helped me through so much. I wish I knew what I did wrong, I can't think of anything. I rattle myself to try to, and I'm sure there's something somewhere but I don't know what it is. I remember noticing you were distancing yourself far too many nights and it hurts that I let it continue, that I didn't ask what was wrong, that I made you feel like you had to just outright ignore me to get your point across. I try not to cry often, but lately it just feels like the only thing I can do.

Over a month since I've talked to you. Wow. I'm five days away from 3 months self-harm clean, I finished the emotes, and my gawd, Everest is growing so fast. I'm training him to go on walks and every day events with me. I still have bad days, as everyone does, but most of the time, it doesn't feel permanent. I can see past a few days in my future most times. Everything feels okay. Rn, my plan is to still go into the Air Force, but I wish I could take Everest right away. It'd make everything that much easier to have my best friend with me.

I found a streamer that's hired me to do his emotes. It's not much, but it's a doorway into an art career

Everything seems okay run. Sure, the person I like is slowly distancing themselves, but I’m getting to a safe point.

I changed my mind again. I'm thinking about the military, again. I just don't want to tell anybody. I mean, it won't be much more than some work to get through basic and then I can get someone to fly the pup to me. It's just, he's partially blind and I dunno if anybody will fly with him. It's scaring me. I just need out of here

Raegen got me a puppy, I'm sure you saw on my story. He's made me laugh so much in the last couple of days. I'm even looking for jobs. I know that sounds stupid because it's the minimum, but it's what I can do right now. And we're gonna move out by the end of the summer hopefully