Rewind

XXXVI: Future

With the whole love problem solved, live carries on. It’s funny how in all those books I read and the films I watched, everything ends when the protagonists confess their love; the conflict is settled and the credits roll. A final kiss and that’s it. But life isn’t like that. After saying ‘I love you’ life goes on, the relationship continues and the couple faces many other problems, as a couple or individually. And that’s life, isn’t it? One problem after the other, a new issue to deal with after solving another. There’s always something going on that we need to take care of.

This problem’s been happening for a while, but I was so focused on figuring out my own feelings that I pushed this other issue at the back of my mind. I think I did it because I know this is an even bigger issue and I needed to have a clear mind to deal with it. I have to solve other issues first so I can tackle this one. My mind organises my priorities before I even realise I’ve done it.

All my life I’ve known what I want to do with my life. It’s basically all I knew. Since the first time my parents took me to their laboratory in university I knew I wanted to be a scientist. Maybe it was because as a child, everything looked so pretty and shiny that I was captivated. I remember seeing my mum working with solutions, changing them from blue to red and I was fascinated.

“Magic!” I cheered clapping. That was also one of the few times Mum smiled at me.

“No, Allison; science,” she corrected me.

Since then I wanted to be like Mum and Dad, work in a laboratory and do magic, meaning science. Both my parents are biochemists, reason why following their path seems only logical for me. My parents studied at Manchester University, but I wanted more and they wanted more for me when I decided to follow their path.

“Why not Cambridge,” said Father. “Always aim high, Allison, because the only way to surprise ourselves is to challenge us.”

And I agreed. Since then Cambridge has been my goal and I never questioned it. When I thought in ten years time, fifteen years time I always saw myself wearing a lab coat, working to find something amazing, unique and necessary for the world, something that would change life as we know it. Today I think in ten years time and I can’t see myself. I imagine myself wearing a lab coat and in a laboratory, and I feel trapped, but I fail at picturing anything else. I’ve never tried, I never had a backup plan and when my future becomes blurry, I don’t know what to do.

What if being a scientist is not all what I want to be? I know I’m wired to be one, it’s how I face life, but maybe it’s not the only option. But isn’t too late to be thinking about my future? The A Levels are in a few months and I need to have clear what I want. This uncertainty is making me anxious.

“Allie, careful!” exclaims Sam, stopping me from pouring too much chloric acid into the solution.

I stop myself before I ruin the experiment we’re carrying out in Chemistry. Sam and I are now partners. Changing partners after the school year began are privileges Sam gets for being Mrs White’s daughter.

“Are you okay? You’re never distracted during class,” she asks next and I shake my head, putting the container back on the table.

“I got caught in thoughts, that’s all,” I explain but Sam furrows her eyebrows at me.

“During an experiment? Highly unlikely, Allie. You’re not like that. Is there something troubling you? Do you need to get some air? I can ask Mum and—”

“I’m fine, really. Don’t worry,” I try to put her at ease but her expression doesn’t change.

“Is it about Zeke? Are you having trouble?” she questions and my eyes widen in horror.