Righhhht... i forgot.... or... remembered.... school is pretty much 24 hours away.
And... not only will i have 2 people to deal with.
I have at least two bullies from last year.. which were friends at first...
So like, one of my classmates literally stopped me at lunch and was like "Hey Natalie. I was the first one to dislike your youtube video!" And another classmate said "Hey Natalie, whats your grade in math? Cuz if its anything above an F, you dont deserve it." And, i know stupid things like that shouldnt bother me, but they really do.. like, really really do.
Its the stupid, little things that hurt the most. Because all the little things add up, until its hundreds of little things, running through my head, until its screaming at me saying "get better, you failure." "Stop failing. No one likes a failure" "Useless failure, cant do anything right."
And im gonna be under more stress with the fact that i have multiple animations left to do, without letting people down. And ill have homework, and other stuff like show choir, and probably a play thats coming up. And. Ill be thinking of so much.
I know, i shouldnt vent like this. I know, im weak. And im sorry. I just, dont know what else to do. It makes me feel slightly better talking about it on this book, i guess.
So many people have been helping me to not kill myself before all hell breaks out, and i thank you all for it. Even if you havent done that much.
Just... nice words will actually make me cry... just nice words.... its not something im used to, really...
I guess thats just what i want to say... school starts in practically 24 hours, and its just now going through my head.
I am scared, yes. Very, very scared. Im not ready for this. Not one bit. But, im forced into this.. ill listen to all the words people say to me, and ill never tell anyone about them. Until like, months later. Ill never tell anyone that someone at school told me something that made me want to cry. Ill never say anything about things like that. Because, i dont want to bother people with my problems. I dont want to bother people with the little words that cut so deeply into my heart. I dont want to annoy you.
So i wont. Ill be just fine. Ill look fine. Ill act fine. Ill tell you im fine. Ill be fine. Ill say "yes, my day at school was great." And you'll believe me. Because i wont let you think anything else. Even if you try to help, i wont let you. Dont waste time on me. Please. Please dont waste your time.
So good night. Or good morning. Please stay strong, and happy. Ill try my best to be happy as well, even through this pain.
Because, you know... im fine.
~Natalie
