Joker

XXXVII

  I ride 

 for my

 baby

I died

 for my 

baby

I'd die 

for my 

baby 

no lie  

I love you

It's the words that echo inside his head, bouncing off the walls of his skull, and at night he finds himself whispering them into the night air. Hopefully he knows, hopefully he'll hear them, and he won't die feeling unloved. He is so incredibly loved, he is loved more than he is hated, and he is looked as a hero in the eyes of his lover. Harry stares at the office door half expecting Louis to waltz in and scald him for being in the office without supervision, but the doorway remains empty. His eyes burn, bloodshot red, and tired. Partly because he's been staring at a computer screen reading over important e-mails for the last three hours, and partly because he's also smoked a lot of joints with those three hours. 

His head his foggy, but he's not as giggly as he is when he usually smokes. Although, the last time he was giggly while he was high was when he and Louis smoked. It's been a little while since they've even done that. He's smoked for multiple reasons, one being it eases the pain in reading the death threats Louis has gotten over the years, and why he kept these e-mails will probably be something only Louis will understand. The second reason he's smoked a lot today is because he can feel the addicts itch setting in, the longing to feel almost nothing like he did when he was with the bartender.

He rubs his eyes laying his head down  on the keyboard, it's only growing later, and he's dying for a drink. He's dying for a Louis. "You good?" Harry lifts his head to see Lottie standing in the door way, and of fucking course she has to only be wearing one of Louis' old shirts. "You missed dinner, so I thought you might want some popcorn," Lottie smiles placing the bowl on the edge of the desk wrinkling her nose. "It stinks of weed in here! How much have you smoked?"

"Like all of Louis' stash," Harry admits shyly immediately plunging his hand into the bowl  stuffing his face with popcorn. "God, these e-mails are brutal, and so violent that it's just sad." Lottie sighs rubbing his head. "Anyone of these senders could have kidnapped him. I don't know!"

"Well I've looked through his room-"

"You looked through our room?"

"Yes, don't worry I ignored all the sex items I found. I did find letters my Mum wrote him with pictures of her. There was one that stuck out, and it was before she died?" Lottie hands Harry the letter for him to read.

Dear Boo Bear,

Another year gone, and you're another year older. I wish I could help you, and I wish I could be there for you in the way that you need. I love you, and I am so sorry I put you through all of this. I shouldn't have dated as much I did when you were a boy. I didn't know it would land us in this much of a mess. I shouldn't have brought Geoff and Liam into our lives, and I shouldn't have gone digging into someone else's business. Forgive me, Boo Bear. Don't let bitterness take your heart. Please remember the bible stories I've told you. I love you.

- Mummy

He has to search for the memory, though the hazy fog, and through the last words he told Louis. He remembers the little work he and Louis did on trying to think of the bible names. "Of fucking course! Louis and I talked about that," Harry quickly looks back to the e-mail skimming through the ones that have names somewhere within the E-mail. "We need to list all the names, all of them, and then check the ones with names that are in the Bible."