Book Reviews

Fifty Shades Of Grey

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY by E.L James

Genre: you definitely know it but okay, I'll say it anyway. BDSM and erotica.

I'm going to deal with the whole franchise and the idea of romance in general.

I'M GOING TO BE VERY FRANK AND MATTER-OF-FACT SO PREPARE YOURSELF. It's also kinda long.

Alright. I know that fifty shades was popular quite a long time ago but I recently had an argument about this book with one of my friends who unfortunately actually liked this stupid book. For you guys who read it and liked it, I'm betting you liked it because it was erotica. If so, because seriously, don't lie to yourself, I know of at least two hundred other books that are erotica or BDSM or both and are freaking hot. I'll have some recommendations at the end and I can guarantee that get are way better than fifty shades. Seriously.

So, because this will probably turn into a rant, I'm dissecting this book in four parts: why I think it's a stupid, badly written book, why it got so popular, why I decided to bite the bullet and read it too, and I'll have a brief summary. If I still have room, I'll write some recommendations for other books that are worlds better than fifty shades. If not, it'll be my next upload.

Let's start.

Part 1

I think this book is incredibly stupid for many reasons, mainly because the sex scenes are terrible and its terribly written. I mean, really, you'd expect an editor to fix her crap writing. I've seen horrible writers though, and even though that's a whole rant altogether (Seriously, if you can't use grammar correctly or string two interesting sentences together, or even have an interesting plot, YOU AREN'T MEANT TO BE A WRITER! I wish I could say that to Carrie Ryan [ Don't remember her? See my second review]), it isn't what pissed me off the most. I can't believe that so many people like this idiotic book.

I'm not getting all prude on you guys (as if that's even possible, really), I'm saying the sex scene sucked because it plain sucked not because it had sex. For one thing, Christian only lasted until Anastasia had one orgasm. What the fuck is that?!

We read romance because of the fantasy of the perfect man (who has some amazing lasting power and is hung like a horse) and with first person point of view, we can feel like we're experiencing it too. In reality, most women don't even orgasm once with a man during their lives. In romance novels, a woman has no less than three orgasms every time she has sex. Who the fuck wants to read the reality of sex? That isn't what it's about. Romance novels, especially these days, are akin to fantasy. I feel, quite frankly, like Anastasia got the short straw, though I guess it helps that he's filthy rich.

You know, I once read this thing that said, "My G-spot is about two inches in your wallet". Maybe Anastasia is like that? Hmm.

Anyway, the goal when writing a sex scene is to get the reader's panties wet. I just think that those scenes were awkwardly written and really laughable (I actually had to put the book down to laugh). It's like kindergarten level erotica. The BDSM parts of it are pretty soft, which I guess E.L James can blame on the fact that Anastasia wasn't used to that life style as Christian had to start her easy. So it really fails on two levels. Only people who truly haven't read the good stuff can say that this book is good. So it was perfect for the unsuspecting public.

I can almost hear you think, "Why was it so popular then?".

Part 2

Did you know that it out-sold a bunch of truly amazing books? Like, I remember my mother telling me that it out-sold Harry Potter (Maybe even the bible. I forget). Harry Potter, in case you didn't know, is fucking beyond description. It's one of my top favorites and I re-read them often without getting bored.