bad expectations | jfg

43

"What, um." My voice cracks as I dismiss our eye contact and cough. I cross my arms over my chest and stare at the floor awkwardly, "what are you doing here?" I ask. I don't know exactly why I suddenly feel so nervous but I do. Well, actually, I know exactly why I feel nervous, but I think it's normal to feel this way right now, I think.

"Came by to get my flannel." He says rather aloof.

Something in my stomach twists awkwardly and my eyebrows knit together. This is awkward. This encounter is awkward and it's making my throat dry.

"This is Jack's..." I trail off and realize how big it actually looked on Jack J. I shrug the rest of this off and feel my cheeks burn, this is so awkward. "Sorry. I didn't, know, sorry." I quickly ramble and reach my arm out to give it to him.

As I observe the way his hand reaches up to grab it from mine, I don't know why my head has so many flashing lights inside of it all of a sudden. He's so close to me and we've been far apart for so long. I don't know, it's just weird and foreign. I wouldn't have ever imagined we'd be in the state again yet here we are, only feet apart from each other at a really random time.

"It's okay." He says quietly.

He's not making this discomforting and awkward but it's just the entire situation. Leaving on such a negative note so long ago and then seeing each other again at such a random and unsystematic time is... weird.

"Okay." Discomfort is all that's in my head and I want to melt through the floor. So, is he going to leave now? Is he actually going to speak to me?

"How are you?" He asks. He's wearing a black sweatshirt and dark jeans, jeans. I don't remember him ever wearing jeans.

"How am I?" I repeat his question so I can actually register it, "I'm um, I'm good." I nod my head and tuck my hair behind my ear.

He looks so good. I don't know if that's weird or inappropriate of me to think but he does, really good. I'm literally wearing a t shirt and basketball shorts, this is so embarrassing and awkward. 

"This is the part where you ask me how I've been." He says.

"Oh, um, how have you been?" I finally bring myself to look up at him. I uncross my arms only to cross them again before I cross my foot over the other, obviously making it apparent that I'm uncomfortable. When our eyes meet, the small crinkles in his cheeks indent as he smiles.

"Alright." He nods. 

He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks around my apartment, "you have a nice place."

"Thanks." I mumble.

"Jack told me about your book, that's awesome."

"Why did Jack say he was coming and now you're here?" I push my eyebrows together. It doesn't make sense and it doesn't feel like something Jack J would do. I would like to have a civilized conversation with this man right now but I don't like this whole thing.

He doesn't answer, he seems a bit thrown off at my sudden tone and change of subject. "Um, I don't know." He murmurs.

I stare at him as he looks down at his feet.

As I peer at him, I think back to the very last time I saw him, the day I left his house. Oh God, I remember the months after he refused to speak to me, or interact with me. I was so in love with this boy, and he left me wondering what I ever did that made him leave me like he did.

The hurt in my heart becomes evident again and I wonder what my old self would say to him now if she was here, I don't know if she'd kiss him, or scream at him.