The BIG Book of RANDOM

Basically where I let out my random energy and things I would like the world to know. CAUTION: Too many intakes of random jokes may result in LAUGHTER :D

Lemons

Lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,Lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,Lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemonsLemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,Lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,Lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemons,lemon...

King of the Woods, or Trivial Pursuit

Florida Forest Service duty officer Ray Lumley is in love with a white fringetree. Not an I-read-Walden-in-high-school love; a sweaty, sappy, I-want-to-rub-against-you-'til-I-get-splinters love. It's awkward. So, he's relieved to learn that he's really hot for Trivia, the dreadlocked, radical environmentalist nymph wh...

Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

*****WATTYS 2015 WINNER!***** WATTPAD STAFF PICK (9/7/15) In the end, the robots win. But you already knew that. "Everyone Died + My iPhone Stopped Working" is a collection of short interviews with some of the survivors. People who have tremendous insight into the rise of Artificially Intelligent machines or, more of...

The Observations of Patrick Kraker.

I'm pretty extraordinary (read: absolutely normal) for an average guy named Patrick- Patrick Kraker, and before you ask, no, I do not want a cracker; neither does Polly. Polly's sick of crackers. a) My summer job may or may not involve spray painting myself completely silver and standing motionless in the park. Of cou...

Meet the Baxtards

The family burns basics. Trashes tropes. Their daughter isn't out for blood. She's out for the person who started the cliche that ended her. ✯ ✯ ✯ "Even though I dip your toothbrush in the toilet bowl, excessively steal your clothes, purposefully annoy the hell out of you, and wish at every 11:11 that you'd be in a...

Mad As A Hatter (Completed 2015) [WATTY AWARD WINNER *Featured Story*]

Madness can only be written in blood. //#1 in Horror, #1 in Action, #34 in Humour and WATTY AWARD WINNER: One of the Most Addictive Stories of 2014 and Featured Story//A Horror Comedy by 8tracks// You can't spell 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'. An adventure in which she takes great pleasure in seeing a whole...

Achromatic

Short poetry collection

Truly Elemental: And Other Retro Faerie Tales

Now A Wattpad Featured Story... A collection of short stories where faeries good, bad, and just plain scary roam a world of Rock-n-Roll and Marilyn Monroe. ♛ CONTENTS ♛ 1. Truly Elemental // 1957 2. Barren // 1941 3. Red Cap // 1962 4. Dress Up // 1950s 5. Over Your Grave // 1956 6. The Bleeding Boy and the Bruja...

5:48 [re-write 2.0]

Sometimes all you really need is a place to call home. * * * Being re-written completely as of May 14, 2021

reflections in watered-down glass

"I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken." -- Lana Del Rey, Ride (2015)

Construction Zone

There's dirt under my fingernails, sawdust in my hair. I'm proud to say I hammer nails. Install toilets. Hang drywall. Welcome to the construction zone. Note: I've had to "unpublish" a few poems from this collection because they are going to appear in various magazines. Sorry if you missed them. And a big warm thank-y...

Fired!

A smile crossed Death's cold, skeleton face. "Looks like you're out of a job," he told her. The angel looked up at him, shocked. "I-it's not as easy as it looks," she insisted. [A compilation of short stories that are sometimes about life, but mostly about Death.]

Racist - the year 7182

It is the year 7182. The races have split millennia ago. The trivial small wars between races, as in White, Chinese, Mexican or Indian, even the English and Russian wars are long forgotten. The fourth and fifth world wars were child’s-play in comparison. This development gave a new meaning to the term ‘Racist’. Evol...