I still feel horrible about leaving. I'll explain a bit of why I left. (TW: suicidal ideation, self harm, anxiety)
I used to love writing, I used to love painting, I used to love many things. Anxiety and depression hit me like a bus, this whole past year and a half during my senior year, and covid, and then turning 18 and still not knowing what I wanted to do in life and being riddled with anxiety. I had my first major panic attack on my 18th birthday in August, I wanted to die, I scratched myself to bits, I felt like a failure and I felt like I was such a waste of everything, I contributed nothing to the world and the people around me.
None of this has changed. I didnt leave my house other than shopping for over 5 years, I have panic attacks when I leave my room, I haven't even left the house to go shopping since July. I still live with my parents and have no way to get therapy and don't think I'm strong enough to reach out to get help anyway. I did end up getting on anxiety meds because I went to the doctor thinking I had an infection and my mental health test came back a 23 when the normal persons come back around a 4 or 5. My doctor considered putting me in a mental hospital but knew that would be even more detrimental to me so she went with anxiety meds. They just started kicking in after two months and it stopped the derealization and depersonalization from happening a constant 24/7 but I still can't do anything due to anxiety and have absolutely no emotions other than self hate. I cant find energy to like anything or even drink water half the time. I am TERRIFIED of eating food in fear of being allergic to them even if I have eaten them before.
Please, if you feel your life spiraling, please get help before it gets this bad. Nothing is worth feeling this way.
