♥ Jellyfish ♥

Hello, I just want to share and promote my story, if you're interested and willing to support my story I will be very glad. You can always check this out and you can also follow me for more updates. I really appreciate it if you'll try, thank you and Lovelots! 
          
          Have a nice day ahead.
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/341295487?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=AElanSquare&wp_originator=TzADz5%2FzT5d%2B%2FbcjgYh7KkZNJ8aPTd49mwxDOY5zzwo%2ByRSmELhoqmWyxERoDBxEs6spWFNG4jdJGDYFV58a8GZyB6JcuBGD4rleqPx4RqFl3c%2FYR9NlZS1q6Nq8oZnJ

Hewo

I am not looking for a daddy dom anymore...*Smiles* 
          I find someone that....*Smiles more* understands and cares for me. I'm sorry 

So like...its a Monday mood. Talking with good friends about work stuff, like we are tired of the managers shit. But...idk...
          
          However, with me...I feel...disgusting....I would say...just idk. I actually felt unsafe with a dom...ha...like...I said I wasn't feeling sexual...but I don't wanna force myself...but..what bothered me was....the person saying they wanted to force me to be sexual....it just...I do cnc but..that wasn't something planned..and I hate to admit but....i...
          
          ...it felt good to hurt my body. I know I try not to but in thst moment, I just...I just...couldn't take it anymore. If I am being honest weed is the only thing keeping me hinged...
          
          Because I'm confused on why I have to be sexual in order to be loved, why do I have to be a girl. Why can't a dom just see past my sexual organs...and just see me. Me...a person who just wants to heal without sex..I just want to hug and hold someone without them thinking it's sexual...I just...I just want to be loved as a person...not as a sex object..
          
          Ya know...when I was raped by my step grandfather...he did everything in his power to make me forgive him...he tried giving me money...gifts...trying to take me on expensive trips...
          ...but the stuff and gifts...we're too...mature....he get me tight clothes....and makeup.....and perfume..he said smelled good to him.........
          
          ...some days...I wish...that if I would to make a deal with the devil...I want to see him in agony and I would finally be at peace...along with other shits....
          
          I hate sex.....I hate my body.....and I hate both male and female sexual activites...it makes me sick.....
          

So...I am thinking about writing a demon slayer isekai modern kinda thing but...in my approach. 
          So its not gonna be happy...its gonna be...be depressing and healing...and idk if anyone wants that? Because....I mean...I wanna go over heavy topics but also make it a slow burn...but...yeah...
          I am wondering if I should do it. What do you guys think? This is aimed to the people who actually read my old fanfics...sorry for leaving hahaha 

11:11 May 6th...
          
          I am so tired. Like exhausted. And I sometimes hate myself, because....the person I am becoming is going against what I want. To be honest, I hate school...and I hate everything. I hate being me...I hate being this person. I am sick...the only time I am happy or at least relaxed is when I'm by myself...or getting high....or just being around people like me....
          ...I was so happy when I was away from my family, was with friends who would laugh, and were kind to me,  and even getting high with me.....
          .....I hate myself....
          I hate that I lie some much that I find it the truth....
          But...I can't deny it.....I don't think I have persistent depression...I lied when they diagnosed me...because of my mother being there....no matter how much I tried talking...she deny it, defend herself, and stab me in the back saying I lied all the time....
          
          I lied with a smile on my face saying no to my medication....I lied when I said my health was fine...
          I lied when I said I was sober and clean...
          I lied when I said I was happy....
          I lied when I said I was doing good in school...
          
          Honestly....my whole personality is a trauma response....I don't think for myself...I hide myself because of my mother words..saying she is watching everywhere...and honestly. I wish that I could faint and fall asleep....or just die. I can't stand myself.....
          
          And I am turning into my father... without even realizing it....because my mother says I am acting like him....
          ....my sister girlfriend had to apologize on my mother behalf...because she saw why...me and my sister both tried killing ourselves...and why we hate our mother...

I'll say it again, and I'll say it more than enough ...
          I am a NONSEXUAL LITTLE. 
          Please keep your dicks in your pants. Keep your pussy in the pants as well. Please. I am tired of ex, an sexualizing myself, its just tiring. 
          
          I can't handle doms being horny 24/7. Like damn, have common manners and not asking sexual question. Like do you have a personality besides being flirty and sexual? 

I hate how quickly my mood changes...I was depressed yesterday  and today....I'm back to my old ways. I guess I start to think of why I chose to be alone...
          
          Because people wanted money from me but...now. I am happy to spend money on anything I want. Who ever aid money can't buy happiness must've been poor. 
          
          Let me tell you, spending 30 to 50 dollars on makeup is everything and on food. I even more happier to buy a gummy bear style purse. I am happy to afford weed and continue with living....
          
          ...anywayyy, I will present an example. I got a crush from..a classmate...but..he wasnt....fitting. I mean he suggested...a "date" but...he really was on his phone and did buy me food or drinks...so...yeah. not to mention he kinda dipped after we came back to class. The next week, bought me three Hoodie and food. Hangout with a group. The guys are nice and tease me, I like them. But they have free time...idk. but one of them goes to the university with me, and the other watches anime. They are both are coworker, so they yeahhh

I find it kinda sad...that...I just come to accept that I will be alone. And it's kinda my fault, because I just...gave up. 
          
          I gave up with establishing healthy relationships, I can't be sexual with anyone because it disgusting to me now. I have been sexualized so much, I hate sex with someone else....and nobody wants to be nonsexual. It hard to tell someone "hey I don't wanna talk, so I'll be back in 3 days" but they want someone to talk to everyday ...
          ...
          ....I don't know. These  days I don't look for relationships because I just know 'doms' just want a quick release.  I just....hangout with coworker...and smoke weed. And go to school and work. 
          
          ...I find it Melancholy. Because I don't know how to emotional handle anything. And when it comes to the other person...I just become anxious.   And such . 
          
          ...oh well. I'll just keep living 

Was not surprising. I mean I been through this game before, it's hard finding a caregiver or daddy because.....
          Sex is wanted but....I'm just...
          ....no. sexual nah. 
          
          ....sorry, I'll repeat it again...I want a nonsexual relationship.