Oh that's so cliche

If I only had two words to describe this story, they would be 'Cliche' and 'Unique'. Impossible you say? Well that's the truth. It's the most cliche story you'll ever read, but it will be like no other story you've ever read.
WARNING, STORY MAY CONTAIN THE FOLLOWING THINGS: Utter madness, cliche plots, werewolves, vampires, Justin Bieber, love triangles, kidnappings, incest, abusive parents, nerds, 'hot' young teachers, Sam, marriages, babies and may even contain traces of nuts.
You've been warned.