Let's be honest. Who reads the bits in the newspaper after the sudoku?

I pride myself upon making sure I am the perfect statistic. I mean, all I wanted to do was blend in - but cannibalistic amphibians and an elusive, yet eccentric, criminal? This is literally taking it too far.
Before, you could probably find my picture in a yearbook under 'most unremarkable and underwhelming student'. Nowadays? I'll probably be gracing the obituary section of a newspaper as part of the 0.0000004% of the population that dies from falling coconuts. Screw this, I should permanently wear some sort of helmet. Maybe I'll cheat death.

Oh, and who am I? Just call me Tau.