Chapter One

"What are you going to do, walk up to Malfoy and say, 'I know you've been an utter prat for almost five years but do you think you can stick your cock up my arse, so that I won't die a virgin?'" Ron asked with a resigned sigh. Before Harry could so much as roll his eyes, a new voice spoke up.

"What an intriguing offer." The drawling voice had their eyes widening. Harry was filled with mild horror and drowning in embarrassment. Merlin, help him.